I have wheat belly. I've had it for two days. It's the damn naan bread. I love eating it. It's such a comfort especially right now as I work on various projects and am getting ready to be on the radio, launch mojo nation and facilitate the upcoming workshop next week. Whew!
I'm having a great time though! What I'm especially enjoying is being a great resource for people. At this point I'm working on bringing myself out into the light and holding a powerful place for myself to shine, yet, I still get a rush from helping other people. It's why I do what I do. A part of me wants others to NOT experience the pain and hurt I've felt regarding not being important or feeling invisible and not good enough.
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| A lazy day in Deep Cove. It fueled my soul. |
I just re-discovered that theme. It runs deep. It began with my father who told me I would not amount to anything. I keep replaying that message today in my head. It's a powerful message, wrought with anger and energy. He spewed it at me in a rage. I was powerlessness to do anything but take it.
Today, I'm pissed and mad at him for destroying my soul in such big chunks that day. The best part of me went into hiding which I'm still working on releasing itself to this day. It sucks big time. The tears won't stop even as I write this. It feels like I can't breathe.
I weep for the little girl who thought she would die that day, but instead went deep undercover so as not to be touched or hurt again. She's been touched and hurt since age 7. Molested by a neighbor, my father verbally attacking me by saying what he did and topping it off by calling me a whore and then being molested again at 15. The shame and burden of all that can be crippling but I refuse to let it take me down and keep me there.
I also remember a secret shame of blaming my mother. Not for the mess of our family life, but for leaving me with that monster. I sometimes feel the guilt of having left my own daughter when I left my life. However, there is a difference which I have to remind myself about. Taylor's father is not a psychopath, and she chose to stay with him. I on the other hand, was left behind. I still secretly feel left behind.
When I get close to success I notice I run into trouble, probably because of the unconscious messages running due to my past. The need to hide runs strong within me. I am noticing the messages and feelings and I keep talking myself back to a place of sanity. It's quite the job.
I want to follow the light. I feel as if I'm standing at the peripheral of the sun's rays, yet not quite reaching it. I want the little girl inside to feel and see the light and for her to know it's safe to come out. I want to finally feel safe.
I am worthy and deserving. My father had it all wrong. I am worthy and deserving.
Great post Pamela. Thanks for sharing the rawness you are in touch with. It may be comforting to remind yourself that despite these devastatingl experiences, none of them touched your core which has always been intact, despite everything. You belong with the sun, warming up your bones with its rays. Your job is to let them in and absorb them gratefully.
ReplyDeleteThanks Grace. It wasn't easy to write, but it was good to get it on the outside of myself. I spent most of the day crying about it. I thought it was over. I guess not.
DeleteBig hurts have many layers, like an onion. I just saw your reply now - I guess it doesn't show up in my inbox so I will need to take a look. I look forward to your next post.
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