My mother left Victoria today. I walked with her to the James Bay Inn where she caught the airport shuttle. It was all I could do not to stand in the street bawling as the bus took her away. I felt so alone and lonely in that moment. It was difficult to start on my morning walk. Actually, for the first 30 minutes, it was more like wandering. I put no energy into it, I just kept moving my legs forward.
A cruise ship sailed into port, which helped cheer me up while walking. It's such a majestic sight, something my mother took much joy in seeing.
Later, I met up with a newcomer to Victoria on a friend's request. She thought I would be able to help this person with advice to help her acclimatize to Victoria. I shared what I could with her. I could see she was very quite stuck taking the necessary leap to create her dream. I remember going through a similar struggle. She asked me how I made the leap. I told her that the pain to stay stuck became much worse than moving into the unknown. I had to make my move, so I did.
I have my home back, but there's not much joy in that for me at this moment. I will do a major Spring cleaning and make it my space again.
I've also come to the realization that I have to make time for myself. My constant busyness is annoying me. I feel resentment each time I have to work on a story or answer a request. It's because I have not learned to turn work off at a certain time and day. I want to learn how to dance. I want to go treasure hunting for cute things to wear. I just want to have fun. I feel bad that most of the time during my mother's visit, I worked and she watched me do it. I missed a great opportunity to share my mother's life because I chose work instead. I feel incredibly bad today.
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| Ship sailing into Ogden Point |
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| My mother's last day as we waited for shuttle at the James Bay Inn. |
Hi Pamela, I can feel your pain at the loss of your mom as she left on the bus. She was probably a reassuring presence in your home for the past 5 months, and even if it might have been annoying at times, she was company, and a witness to some of your successes.
ReplyDeleteIts interesting that you are feeling annoyed and resentful at the demands on your time. That is probably your inner self sending you a message that she is tired of being forgotten about so much of the time. Its time to focus on filling up your tank again, with activities such as dancing that you enjoy, not just productive activities. And it is also time for you to make your home a home, not just a place to live, and think about what that means. Maybe a sanctuary that is safe and welcoming every time you come home to it.
Hi Pamela, I can feel your pain at the loss of your mom as she left on the bus. She was probably a reassuring presence in your home for the past 5 months, and even if it might have been annoying at times, she was company, and a witness to some of your successes.
ReplyDeleteIts interesting that you are feeling annoyed and resentful at the demands on your time. That is probably your inner self sending you a message that she is tired of being forgotten about so much of the time. Its time to focus on filling up your tank again, with activities such as dancing that you enjoy, not just productive activities. And it is also time for you to make your home a home, not just a place to live, and think about what that means. Maybe a sanctuary that is safe and welcoming every time you come home to it.