Amazing how one little thing can cause such catastrophe.
Since the workshop, I've been dealing with exhaustion issues. I've learned a lesson...don't plan on working for at least up to 48 hrs after conducting a class. My energy is just not up to it, neither is my memory. I created mess for someone else because of my lack of focus.
I had to reschedule an interview because of technical issues from yesterday. The platform was not cooperating. Because of attempting to prepare to go on the Florida trip, all memory of the rescheduled time today had slipped me. I was disgusted with myself for having let this slip. When I got the call from the person I was to interview, I was shocked. Shocked that no memory of this had come to me during the morning.
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| My time in Paris after just leaving Notre Dame. It was a mystical experience. |
I had canceled my involvement in the Florida trip because of drama. Did not want to be involved in issues and energy relating to the trip. Instead I grabbed at an opportunity to go to Frock-alicious. It meant that I had to scramble to get ready to go and I had an hour to prepare. In my rushed state, I did not even notice I had an interview scheduled.
This slip of thinking lays heavy on me. The interviewee will not forgive me for forgetting about her. I offered to reschedule and even offered her a column in the magazine. She is not interested. It left me wondering about how much damage I caused her.
The rest of the afternoon was my workshop, so to speak, to resolve this internal struggle so it would not bring me down. I had to loosen up the message of 'unworthy' and 'not good enough' and 'look, you're a mess', so I wouldn't be overtaken with guilt which would lead to sabotage.
I've struggled with those messages all my life. The message that I'm a fraud also plays heavily on me as I work through today's incident.
My self care program was also affected.
I did not exercise, eat breakfast, have my smoothie, or conduct any of my morning rituals. I've forgiven myself for all those things. I'm quite aware that I'm in a dangerous place at the moment. This is a time of extreme mindfulness, forgiveness and self love.
Even though I screwed up and made someone else unhappy, I love and forgive myself.
April 30
Food intake:
- Breakfast:
- Lunch:
- Dinner:
- Snacks:
Time stopped eating:
Time to bed:
# of hours slept:
Exercise:
- Walking/mins:
- Yoga: no
- Weight training:
- Affirmations:
- Prayer/Gratitude:
- Meditation:
- Write out 5 top life goals:
- Read empowering information:
- Lemon water:
- Write 350 words:
- Exercise:
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ReplyDeleteHi Pamela, here is what I said earlier. Your blog reminds me of the changing of the tides - which results in tumult until the new tide settles in. Maybe your job is to hang on to your hat and ride the waves!
ReplyDeleteGreat talking with you there a minute ago. It all seems like divine timing - you get to go to a workshop about letting go of masks, at a time when you feel like a mask you wear and have convinced yourself you need for survival as a women of colour, has just slipped. Enjoy your weekend.
Grace, thanks, you may be right in saying that I have a story about being black and what that means in way of over achieving. But I did feel slighted in the moment, as if my fears were confirmed. The other person;s reaction was dismissive as if to say, no matter how well you perform, when it comes right down to it, you're still not much. Thanks for sharing Grace.
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