I looked again and felt a chill. Something had gone wrong. Actually, something had gone seriously wrong.
I remember thinking once sometime ago, that if I had ever allowed my weight to reach 200lbs, I would literally shoot myself.
So here I am, facing the much dreaded '200' and realized that doing myself harm was not an option, however, the question remained what were my options?
I knew I needed help. In an unconscious haze over the course of 5 months, I had put on an astounding 21lbs and had become unrecognizable to myself.
I noticed the small vestiges of change on January 10, 2015, my 50th birthday. The birthday pictures of the 'big' occasion landed on FB page the next day and I was appalled. I went into a major funk for the next 3 days and only managed to pull myself out because I had work to complete for clients.
To top things off, my mother was here. I felt agitated in her presence. She silently watched me abuse myself with food. I felt shame and hid my eating from her, although I knew she was aware of even those times I tried to hide.
I had/have a secret shame.
With everything else going on in my physical and emotional life, I now carried new shame.
I was new to the city I now call home. New friendships were being formed, but all my good friends were thousands of miles away. I left my daughter behind and missed her first year of university. My dog Moxie, was in the hands of my ex and I had not seen my boyfriend in the year I've been gone. All that topped with the fact I did not have a steady income and was hustling to build a business, I believe contributed greatly to my angst.
So I ate.
Food became my medicine to help quell the unsteadiness I felt inside. I also felt guilty for wanting my mother to go home. As much as I love her, I did not want her here to see my struggle in this mess I was living in. I had gone from marvellous to messy. My journey is now one of turning this around and going back to marvellous. Besides she's been here over 4 months, it's time for her to go.
So here I am, April 24 and I'm 200lbs. I feel ashamed and massive. I've screwed up to epic proportions. My saving grace is I am aware enough of the conversations in my head to be able to talk myself down from really spiralling out of control and sabotaging all the great things I've manifested since coming out West.
I've also realized I can't do this work alone. I need help.
Help to move through each step of the way.
Help to set up a stable structure from which I can draw strength and direction.
Help to set milestones.
Help to celebrate the smallest of achievements.
Help to see myself as I truly am.
Help to create a new story for myself.
Help to stay on track through accountability.
Help to soothe myself when I derail.
Help to be the real me and stop hiding behind weight.
Help to incorporate and practice truly loving self care.
So here I am, April 24 and I am truly committed to the work this will take and the process. I am incredibly grateful that a light has come into my life to help do this great work. Grace Gerry, is not only a comfort but a professional who knows how to help me move forward. I willing place my trust in her and myself and the process.
Here I go....
April 24, 2015
Weight: 200
Waist:
Thigh:
Arm:
Neck:
Bust:
Hips:
Water intake: 5
Food intake:
Breakfast: Green Smoothie, Bacon Omelette
Lunch: Brown Rice Sushi - 18 pieces
Dinner: Roti with curry chicken (ate late, about 9pm; lots of carbs and wheat)
Snacks: 1/2 apple
Time stopped eating: 9:30
Time to bed: 10:30
# of hours slept: 7
Exercise:
Walking/mins: 45 min brisk walk
Yoga: no
Weight training: no
Meditation: no
Affirmations - 5 mins
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