Guess what? The little girl inside of me has never left. She goes everywhere I go and in many instances, she is quite demanding and irrational. She doesn't like to be told what to do.
She has many fears, the most dominate one is being 'found out'. I asked her why. Her response saddened me. She didn't want anyone to know that she was not good, pure and whole. She had been touched much too soon in life and had made an agreement with herself not to let anyone find out...ever.
She is scared that if anyone found out, they would run away and point and call her all manner of things. So she hides behind me, holds my hand and when feeling threatened, runs and finds a way to protect and cover up.
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| Moxie and me. I miss playing with her and I miss my jazzy loft which I gave up when I moved out West. |
Recently, I noticed she has been curious about what's going on. There's been a lot of activity lately, much of which centers around being seen. She is allowing the activity to continue. I worry that at some point she will attempt to sabotage all that has been created. I am very mindful of this. I'm soothing her feelings at each step, letting her know I understand how she feels and that I would never allow any harm to come to her.
I am hoping she believes me. I want she and I to face the sun together, without fear.
Interesting, I started crying while writing that sentence.
Anyway, I'm still in the game. At the beginning of this, I put an app on my phone, My Fitness Pal. I have been tracking 3 days of eating and exercise. It's amazing to see the results of my food choices. I love seeing the calories involved in my choices, it helps me plan my food consumption. For instance yesterday, I had a Chai Latte at breakfast. When I logged it in, I was astounded to see how many of my day's calories were used up! Yikes! So I now know that lattes are a rare treat for me until I reach my goal.
I feel a bit off balance this morning. Lots to do but I must keep my focus to deliver a rock solid workshop tomorrow. I have many to-do's swirling around in my head and I'm frustrated that I can't get to them all. Once the workshop has come and gone I will be on track again. I'm looking for a better way to plan my work so I don't fall into overwhelm and look for solace in food.
I'm still not enjoying exercise like I did not too long ago. I don't know why I'm suddenly so resistant. Could it be my little girl wanting to stay put? Is she in resistance to so much activity? Maybe she needs some 'me' time.
Today, I honour all parts of me. I am worthy, loved, lovable and deserving.
April 27
Water intake: 6
Food intake:
- Breakfast: Berry 'Green' Smoothie and small portion quinoa salad
- Lunch: small portion quinoa salad w/salmon
- Dinner: Brown rice w/salmon and vegetables
- Snacks: apple, cashews
Time stopped eating: 8:15
Time to bed: 12am
# of hours slept: 4
Exercise:
- Walking/mins: 65
- Yoga: no
- Weight training: yes
- Affirmations: yes
- Prayer/Gratitude: yes
- Meditation: yes
- Write out 5 top life goals: no
- Read empowering information: yes
- Lemon water: yes
- Write 350 words: yes
- Exercise: yes
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